GRIEF WORK...
Here are a few
ideas I have picked up along the way.
I hope that you
find some of these activities as helpful as I have.
Pray about it!
Pour out your heart to
God.
Are you angry? ...hurt?
...confused? ...lonely? ...feeling betrayed?
Tell Him about it!
Don't hold back! Be honest with God
- do not suppose for a
moment that the Almighty Creator of the Universe cannot handle it.
If you have
reservations about complete honesty
with God try reading the Psalms..
Many of them are angry,
hurt, confused, lonely, feeling betrayed songs written by King David
- one of God's favorite
people.
Talk about it
The Bible tells us to
"bear each others burdens". This is not a suggestion - you cannot carry this
burden alone.
Find
a close friend or two who will listen
as you pour your heart out.
Do not feel guilty -
that is what friends are for. Who knows, maybe you can return the favor
sometime.
If you don't have
anyone like that right now - find someone!
Support groups, online
chat rooms, a clergyman, a professional counselor... they are out there.
Please e-mail me if you
need to talk! We can cry together.
Note: At a time
like this your relationship with your spouse will be seriously tested.
Communication is
vital and you will have to work on your marriage like never before.
Since you are both
grieving however, you both need other people to lean on.
The good news is that
your relationship can come out stronger than ever before!
Write it down
If you have never kept a
journal - now may be the time to start.
Write a poem or a
song, it does not have to be a masterpiece just
an expression of your heart's cry.
Write a letter to your
baby or to God.
Read a book about it
As a reader myself this
has been one of the most helpful ideas.
Here are some excellent
books that have really helped me.
The links will take you
to Amazon.com to find out more.
Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur
This book is a very solid exploration of the
scriptures regarding the destiny of our children. It is both comforting
and theologically reasurring.
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg
"A
devotional companion for comfort in the loss of your unborn or newly born
child" This book has gotten me through some dark days.
Empty Arms by Pan Vredevelt
Written
by a professional counsellor and pastor's wife who lost her child.
"Emotional support for those who have suffered miscarriage or stillbirth"
Covers all aspects of pregnancy loss.
Tender Fingerprints by Brad Stetson
Written from the Father's point of view, the author
tells the story of his son's stillbirth and his own struggle with grief
and God.
The
Ache for a Child by Debra Bridwell
This book mainly focuses on infertility (including
secondary infertility), but also includes a section on loss. I especially
enjoyed the reflection questions at the end of each chapter. |
Mommy Please Don't Cry by Linda DeYmaz
A
beautiful little "gift" book - written from the child to her mom all about
heaven.
When Life is Changed Forever by Rick Taylor
Losing a child is like losing a limb - it takes time
to learn to live life again and it will never be the same as it was.
Good Grief by Granger Westberg
This small booklet thoroughly outlines the grieving
process..
Heaven by Joni Earickson Tada
Reading this book makes me want to be there even
more.
When God Doesn't Make Sense by Dr. James Dobson
An
absolutely essential book for anyone going through a dark time. Dr. Dobson
explores the inexplicable and faith in the face of tragedy.
A Grace Disguised by Gerald L. Sittser
Written after the author lost his mother, wife and
daughter in the same car accident. This book explores the journey of
sorrow and how to make positive choices through it. Refreshingly candid on
the darkness and depth of pain grief entails. |
Have a funeral
Medical staff nowadays
are beginning to understand the importance of grief rituals to parents like
us.
Most likely you will
have been given the option to take care of your baby's body yourself.
Even if the baby was
very small you have the right to see the baby and to bury him/her yourself,
though you may have to
fight for it.
Funeral home
directors are gentle, understanding people who will be able to give you
suggestions
if you are unsure of
what to do. Often they will perform many of the services for free in the case
of neo-natal death.
This ritual is not
for our babies, but for us! We feel so helpless and want so badly to DO
something for our child.
This
caring ritual is a way to
show our love, to mark his/her life, to validate the importance of his/her
existence.
If you were not
given the option to have a funeral it is not too
late!
You can put together
your own memorial service at any time.
Many find comfort in
burying/cremating a box of special 'baby' items (outfits, letters, ultrasound
picture...)
For some ideas read
about Simon's
memorial service
Name your baby
It helped us immensely
to name both our children - there is so little parenting we can do for them.
We are also glad we gave
our babies the names that we had planned on, not 'saving' it for our next
child.
If you were not able
to find out which sex your baby was
- consider a
nickname (i.e. -
pumpkin, little one, sweetheart...),</ font>
- or a unisex name
(one which would work for either a boy or a girl.
Once again it is
never too late!
Keep a memory box
Put all those precious
items which remind you of your baby in a special
box or scrapbook.
ultrasound photo
hospital bracelet
lock of hair
pictures of your baby
special blanket, toy, piece of clothing...
sympathy cards from friends and family
poems you have written
letters to baby
Become
a collector
For us that is easy - Noah's Ark! We have begun
collecting Noah's Ark everything.
For Simon, butterflies are the thing.
What is your special thing? Some parents choose teddy
bears, bunnies, dolls...
Choose something that will always
remind you of your baby and
become a collector!
Online Memorial
As a parent we long to protect and care for our
babies - that drive does not die when they do.
Another act of love which we can still do for our
children is to let the
world know who they were and how much we love them.
There are so many sites out there which have
memorial pages where you can post a tribute
to your baby
(see Real COMMUNITY).
You may also consider
designing a web page for
your baby like I did.
Geocities (and many others) offer free web pages and
a lot of help to figure it all out.
Or you can buy a simple "web page composer" program
if you do not have one already and web page design is
a cinch.
Tell
others what you need
When people ask you what
they can do for you or tell you to call if you need anything - do something
daring.
Tell them!
Be specific and gracious; do not let your pride
deprive them of the opportunity to help.
This may be their chance to grow; to store up
treasures in heaven.
It is a very difficult thing to do, especially for
many of us who are more comfortable giving than receiving.
Tell your friends
what you need from them.
What type of comments help and what hurts?
Do you need to talk about your baby?
Can you handle being around the new baby or the
pregnant woman right now?
Find a special
place
This has been one of the most helpful things for me -
solitude and quiet
are very healing.
Find a special place - in the garden, in the woods,
by the ocean, a cozy chair...
Go by yourself, quiet your heart, get away from the
busyness of life for awhile.
Go there to remember your baby and to talk to God.
Leave
When the tears threaten to overflow and grief hits
you right between the eyes it is okay to leave.
Quietly excuse yourself:
go to the bathroom for a good cry, leave the party early, talk a long walk...
If you are not comfortable telling people why you
have to leave, simply explain that you are not feeling well
(that's the truth!)
There may be events that are simply too painful
for you to handle right now
- a baby shower, a special Father's Day service...
It is okay to avoid
those situations that you simply cannot handle
yet. It will not last forever.
Count your
blessings one by one...
This will seem so difficult some days, but it is
absolutely essential.
When you feel so intensely sad that you cannot see
the good in the world - that is the time to count your blessings.
Find at least 5 things
to thank God for each day - write them down.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
Thank God for the beauty of
creation all around you -
the sound of the birds outside your window every morning, the pinkest flower
ever, the fresh smell of rain, a sunset that takes your breath away...
Thank God for your
family - your husband or
wife, your parents, your children, even your future children...
Thank God for your
friends - their love and
concern, their sense of humor, the way they laugh at all your bad jokes,
their funny expressions, the way they listen and listen and listen some
more...
Thank God for
people - the guy who brings the mail, the
womann behind the counter at Tim Horton's, your kid's teachers, the paper
boy, the person who planted that garden, the men who built this house...
Thank God for all
the little details of life - ice cream on a hot
day, the taste of chocolate, a bubble bath, how good it feels to scratch an
itchy nose, a favorite T.V. show, a good book...
Thank God for your
baby - for the time you did have with him/her
and for the love you have for him/her.
Give
of yourself
Take a turn bearing someone else's burdens.
Go out of your way to show love to someone else.
Volunteer your time at a nursing home, with the youth
group, at the hospital...
You may be surprised to find that you are getting
more out of it than the person you are trying to serve!
BUT - be careful not to overextend yourself..
Grief work is takes a lot of time and energy!
Know your limits and learn to say 'no' sometimes.
Laugh
Do not be afraid to let yourself laugh.
You may find yourself feeling guilty about it -
DON'T.
Your baby would want you to be happy.
You will never forget your baby or stop loving
him/her deeply - it is okay to enjoy life.
When you are in the mood watch a funny movie,
spend time with friends who crack you up, read the funny pages...
You may be surprised at the kinds of humor that
surface as you walk through this tragedy.
Laughter is a wonderful
stress reliever!
Many people cope with difficult situations through
humor (my family is at their funniest at funerals).
Thank God for his wonderful gift of laughter!
Soothe the soul with music 
My husband Glen made a tape of special songs for Noah.
Some remind us of him, others of God's constant presence and care,
some are written especially for parents who have lost a child.
When I miss him the most I listen to these songs over and over.
Some of our favorites are:
With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman
Hello Goodbye by Michael W. Smith
Visitor from Heaven by Twila Paris
Great is Thy Faithfulness by Thomas Chisholm
It is Well with my Soul by H.G. Spafford
Psalm 13 by Brian Doerksen
Plant a garden
Gardening is a very healing, nurturing activity for
many!
(though it is an exercise in frustration for black
thumbs like myself)
Donate
a gift to charity in your child's name
A financial gift to a worthy cause, a park bench, a
wing of a hospital - only if you are a millionaire :)
...the possibilities are endless.
One mom buys a gift on her child's birthday and at
Christmas
and donates it to the Salvation Army for a child who
is the same age as hers would have been.
Plan for holidays
Special days like Christmas, Thanksgiving and
especially Mother's Day and Father's Day
can be excruciating at a time like this. Do not let
them catch you off guard!
Be purposeful about holidays - plan ahead.
Everyone grieves differently. You may want to keep
yourself busy and fill the day with friends and family,
or it may be better for you to keep it low key and
bow out of any events that will be too painful.
Baby's Remembrance
Day
Set aside a special day of remembrance for your child
(birthday, due date or death day).
Celebrate the short existence of your baby as a
family and look forward to your joyful reunion in heaven.
Noah's birthday has become a special day for our
whole family.
Memento ideas
A Place to
Remember
has a wonderful assortment of keepsakes. Everything
under the sun is here
-memorial baby books, pins, ceramics, pregnancy loss
videos, keepsake boxes...
Angels in
Heaven is a site for grieving families.
They sell the most beautiful memory keepsakes (a
frame with a poem and a picture or footprints).
Some designs are especially for those who have lost a
loved one to miscarriage and stillbirth.
