Real Answers

Thou shalt NOT refer to our baby as 'it' or in any way imply that our child was not a real person.

Thou shalt take the initiative to seek us out. We are grieving and often cannot make the effort.

Thou shalt let us know that you care. If you don't know what to say, just tell us you love us and
                       hurt with us. A simple "I'm sorry" is better than silence.

Thou shalt NOT avoid us. We feel so alone. Even though you may feel uncomfortable around us,
                       we need your friendship.

Thou shalt give us a lot of hugs. A hug says more than words ever could.

Thou shalt be patient with us. Grieving is hard work and takes time.

Thou shalt NOT assume that another child will ever be able to replace this baby.

Thou shalt give us permission to grieve. Don't expect us 'just get over it'.

Thou shalt NOT tell us that the death of our baby is 'all for the best'.

Thou shalt NOT tell us that it was better that we 'didn't have a chance to get attached'. We love our baby and would have given anything to have had just one day with him/her.

25 More Suggestions

I put this list together based on our wonderful church family - they have shown us love in action!
 

• Use our baby's name as much as possible.
• PRAY FOR US!
• Ask us what we need - what hurts and what helps.
  (remember - everyone grieves so differently. What is an encouragement to one person, may be a painful reminder to another.)
• Help with the day to day business of living which now seems so overwhelming.
  i.e. - bring meals, drive the kids places, plant our garden, mow the lawn...
• Ask us out - we may or may not want to go, but it is so nice to be thought of.
• Visit us at home, but call first to make sure that it is a good day.
• Keep us company on difficult days - it helps to be busy.
  (Difficult days = our baby's due date, Father's Day, Mother's Day...)
• Phone us and see how we are doing.
• PRAY WITH US!
• Ask us about our baby (what he/she looked like, where we buried him/her...).
• Share about your life - we are still your friends.
• Do not talk incessantly about pregnancy or babies, but do not completely avoid the subject either.
• Spend a quiet evening just 'hanging out' with us (don't forget to bring a movie and popcorn).
• Cry with us.
• Share what God has been teaching you.
• Tell us a funny joke - we need to laugh more than ever.
• Ask us what we need prayer for - SPECIFICALLY!
  (trouble sleeping, struggles with fear/anger/despair, difficult days...)
• Listen to us talk and talk and talk and talk some more about our loss, then reassure us that we are not crazy!
• Share how this tragedy has affected you - there is nothing more precious to us than the friends who mourn for our lost little one and for our own broken hearts.
• Remember our baby as the years go by - he/she will always be our child and we willl spend the rest of our lives missing him/her.
• Write down the date of our baby's birthday/deathday/due date - send us a card!
• Read books on pregnancy loss, talk to others who have been there, VISIT SITES LIKE THESE... to better understand what we are going through.
• Do not leave us out of the "parenting club", especially when Mother's Day and Father's Day rolls around. We ARE parents, and it is much more painful when no one acknowledges it!
• Offer us a chance to hold a baby - do not assume either that we won't want to, or that we will. It may even vary from day to day.
• Do not joke about giving us your children or about how we are better off, because they are so much trouble.